I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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