i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize