i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
