Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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