He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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