My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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