he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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