I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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