I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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