Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
