sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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