I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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