oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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