my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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