I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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