the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
