I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
