Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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