my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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