Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
