I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
