She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
