I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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