I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
