Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
