Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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