what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dick very happy bro
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
