the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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