Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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