I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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