And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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