i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
