He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
