hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
