Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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