I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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