So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
