Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize