I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
