respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We had to coat check the pizza.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
