It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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