All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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