I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
