I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
