I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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