this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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