I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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