guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
