dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
