Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
